A word to priests from your favorite parishioner

On Oct. 26 this year, we celebrate Priesthood Sunday. We are blessed in the Church, and especially the Diocese of Marquette to have many good and holy priests. I’m happy to call many of them my friend.

In honor of Priesthood Sunday, my Oct. 24th column in The U.P. Catholic is a tongue-in-cheek note to pastors offering them helpful advice.

A word to priests from your favorite parishioner – John Fee | The U.P. Catholic

This Sunday, Oct. 26, is Priesthood Sunday. Let’s fill the churches and thank our priests for the 24-7 service they give us!

To the priests: I want you to know that I really appreciate your ministry. You guys are the best. And as your favorite parishioner, I thought it would be helpful to share with you just a few thoughts that might enhance your ministry. I’ve already run this by my friends and they all agree with me.

All I really want is a good homily. When I go to church, I want to hear the Word of God, proclaimed with some pizazz in a homily that lifts me up for the week – or until I make it back again. And while I’m thinking of it, that homily should have some serious theology that affirms me in the areas that I feel good about myself. Feel free to skip all that stuff about sin and hell and such. What a downer. And cut it short, it’s football season, you know.

During the homily, I was thinking the pews could be a little more comfortable. That hard seat makes it difficult to concentrate on reading the bulletin. We also need the ads in the bulletin to include some coupons from a restaurant with a good Sunday brunch. And what’s up with the temperature in here?

Why do you keep asking for money? The Church is rich! Everybody knows it. I read it in HuffPo.

This music is stupid. When I was a kid the music was great. I remember it so well. We all loved it and looked forward to the next Sunday and sang our hearts out. Please get the choir under control.

Liturgical dance.

Can’t you get the door to open and close more quietly? It’s hard to slip out gracefully after Communion when my family is trying to beat the Lutherans to the Sunday buffet.

You have too many programs. You have programs for youth, for singles, for retirees, for those coming into the Church, for who knows what. That’s ridiculous. Everybody says we need a program that incorporates the latest in values-neutral theology, meditation and Eastern stretching exercises — and a nice potluck.

An organized potluck, please. If we have one more table filled with macaroni salads, there is going to be a riot. Please, please, please hunt down the person who sneaks garlic into at least one dish at the potlucks. Somebody needs to develop a list of banned ingredients, put garlic on top of the list and post it over the parish hall entrance.

Whoever painted the mural in the parish hall should be excommunicated. You can do that. Including a pelican in the mural makes no sense. After all those years of college, it seems like you’d understand something about art.

Our parish softball team is the laughingstock of the ecumenical league. Nobody is going to join a church with a bunch of losers. Those clowns need a tough coach that will stop coddling them and tell it like it is. How are they going to become better players if they expect to be patted on the back for just showing up?

Thank you for your kind attention to these matters. I have a few more ideas and look forward to sharing them with you at the next parish gathering.


PS: You priests are doing an awesome job. Sorry that we don’t cut you some slack on occasion. Please keep up the great work!